How did you know you were gay?

Ok I know from experience that this question generally get's the response: How do you know your straight? But honestly I don't know what I am!

I've just gotten out of a relationship with a guy that lasted over a year.

Yes I enjoyed the sex (sorry if i'm not allowed to post this kind of stuff here) but most of the time i thought about girls during it. Yet occasionally i am genuinely turned on by guys (hence the boyfriend) just no where near as often.

I know this is something you're supposed to be able to just know but I've been trying to figure it out for years and haven't got any closer.

Plus i'm a girlie girl and I only get turned on by girlie girls. I know on television this is the norm but in real life from what i gather is not as common. Is it hard to get into a femme/ femme relationship?

Also if you're unpoplaur and have trouble making friends is it possible to attract a girlfriend without being openingly out? Yes I know Fi managed too but she's got all that sexy red hair to help her out .

Yeah, if you figure any of this out, please let me know. I'm pretty sure I'm either homo or asexual because thus far I haven't met a guy that does "it" for me. But still having trouble finding a girl. :/ And my gaydar with women is horrible. *head_desk*

Do girls do "it" for you at all? if so i don't think that's asexual... is it? I don't have the best understanding of asexuality.

shanidl wrote:Do girls do "it" for you at all? if so i don't think that's asexual... is it? I don't have the best understanding of asexuality.

I hope rainlover doesn't mind my interruption.

Some asexuals, like yours truly, still don't have the best understanding of the whole thing. It is a rather post-modern concept. They defined themselves (I could say we, but no, I was late to that party).

From the Asexual Visibility and Education Network site:
"There is no stamp of approval and no authority to declare who is “really” asexual. We are just people who have found that none of the generally available sexual-orientation labels have been a good fit. The fact that you are searching and wanting to be true to whatever it is you really feel or don’t feel, means you belong. Here is a place where you can be perfectly honest with yourself. What you (don’t) feel or want, is natural and okay, for the simple reason that you actually (don’t) feel or want it, and you are a human being, so it must be natural for some human beings. There is no 'correct' way to be asexual."
-Trix, @ AVEN


But a person can have romantic feelings towards someone and still be asexual, it is like a orientation within the orientation.

Back to the topic. I realized I was asexual at 21 years old, after ruling out if I was heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual. I think there is something true to that thing about sexuality being fluid.

Sorry if this question offends you but I really just don't understand the concept.

Asexual in biological terms means reproduction without sex. So do asexual people not experience sexual urges or choose not to have sex?

shanidl wrote:Sorry if this question offends you but I really just don't understand the concept.

Asexual in biological terms means reproduction without sex. So do asexual people not experience sexual urges or choose not to have sex?

Asexual people, by loosest definition, simply have no desire to have sex. Some still do, as it's possible to be asexual and still have romantic feelings and want to consummate their relationship with their sexual-feeling-having partner, but they could take it or leave it easily.

I don't think I'd be comfortable being with an asexual person in that case just because I'd feel awkard in the bedroom department knowing that my partner doesn't really want to go there. And I like sex but I wouldn't want my partner to do anything they don't like just for me which sex would be. Plus I don't find it enjoyable if I don't feel like my partner is in to it.

If that makes sense?

Anyway can be get back to the original question cause I'm still looking for guidance on that one?

There were plenty of "signs" throughout the years, but there were other things (bullying, religion) that kept me in denial of my sexuality until I was 19. Yes, 19. I just assumed I was straight (very easy when you don't date anyone) and thanks to a "helpful" sex ed book (that my parents bought me instead of giving me the sex talk), I believed that my feelings towards women were just a sign of "great admiration" and it totally did not mean that I wanted to have sex with them at all. >.>

So, there was this girl, M, who I met at college. And early on, she let everyone know that she was bisexual and that was cool. I was very interested in her and we became friends rather quickly. One day, we were at the mall shopping and out of nowhere, she just kinda turned to me and said, "I know you have expressed interest in guys, but I get a vibe from you that there's more than that....are you bi too?" And I just said yes, with no thought at all. I kind of shocked myself.

I did go through a period where I was like, "Maybe I'm not bisexual; maybe I'm just gay"....and then I had a very vivid sex dream featuring a guy and that was....a sign for me, I guess. And while I'm pretty sure I won't date another guy, it mostly has to do with personality and not what kind of genitalia I'm sexually attracted to. I prefer the term pansexual though, as I have dated a possible trans person and bisexual comes with all the icky connotations of gender being binary.

So probably not the type of answer you were looking for? Heh. Figuring out one's sexuality can come easily. Or not. It's a very individualized process and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.

No that was a fairly helpful answer. Thankyou.

Lol at the "great admiration" bit

@freakingdork, interesting... I didn't "out" myself until summer after my college freshman year when someone else revealed that he's going out with another guy.

I felt relieved then because I finally thought, "Oh my god... Somewhere in my own world, there's someone else! It's not just another figure on TV! I don't feel alone!"

I still can't out myself to family, though. My mom said if her kids are gay, she'll kill herself

Same with the "admiration" bit. Granted, I have had romantic interest/crushes on girls before, but... I felt I would probably have more guts in going for a deeper relationship with a guy than a girl.

I guess I'm bi that's leaning toward homosexuality?

I think I always knew. I was always closest to one friend in particular, and even though that's how best friends are, I was just a little more than close. I "married" one best friend in grade school, and realized in middle school that I wanted to kiss another friend like she was kissing her boyfriend.
I've dated boys, and slept with them, but it was never anything compared to the relationships I've had with other women. I think you just need to trust your gut instinct and go with it. Hope that helps.

I didnt know right away...and to be honest im not sure if I am truly gay or bi? I think some guys are VERY attractive but the thought of having sex with them is a bit repulsive sometimes lol But should we have to label ourselves? Love is love and we should never slam a door and dead bolt it when it comes to happiness.

But anyways, it took me a while to connect the dots. There was plenty of "signs" and feelings that use to confuse me that I now understand looking back lol and they make perfect sense. But the whole picture came together when I had a dream about making out with a girl i knew (middle school). lol I know, lame right? But I was ssssoooooo obsessed with her and didnt connect the dots that it was one hell of a crush till that dream.

wow I hope I'm not gonna get in trouble for reviving this thread since no one has posted for a while but....to be honest I still haven't figured it out.....I don't know what I am

So that makes you biromantic but homosexual right?

I've had bfs in the past and i did enjoy the sex but i fantase about girls alot more than i do guys... I dunno maybe that just makes me bisexual...

Yea I think that's right..... Biromantic...I never even heard the term before this site but it is me....

You ever wonder if you're just mistaking emotional connection with romantic feelings? Coz i often wonder that when i'm dating guys.

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I would say that I figured out I was bisexual in college. My best friend in Highschool was gay. I just assumed he was and was not surprised at all when he told me...I also tended to socialize with people who were not straight. I had crushes on mainly guys; however some girls in High school I had some ...opinions... about. I thought one of the girls in my art class was very pretty and I wouldn't mind kissing her...but I just thought I just appreciated her beauty you know? When I was in college I had a crush on this girl in one of my classes. She was just really cute and very sweet. She was straight but I knew that if given the choice I would date her in a heartbeat. I have since been in a few relationships with both sexes. For me, I like the physical side of both. I am currently in a relationship with a male but I still am attracted to females. I truly just appreciate all facets of relationships with both sexes. It is hard to decide who to be with when you like both. My tendancy is mainly toward males but I could definitely see myself being with a female for the rest of my life too and therefore consider myself bisexual.

I realized I was Bi-sexual in my early High School years. Of course, before I even came out I had massive teasing about it. Trying to fit into a new Junior High, I drew a picture of a girl in my art class and gave it to her. Apparently I drew her boobs too big or something so they were lead to assume I liked her and constantly called me a lesbo. I was even heckled in lines for lunch about it. Funny thing was, as it went on I started to think about it. It got stronger once I became closer friends with my friend Britney, it even came to a point when I thought I was in love with her. She made me feel...strange. I wanted to protect her and make her happy. But when I finally confessed, crying like some silly baby, she said I was too much like a sister. When I realized that I did love Britney, but not romantically. But from then on I went to realize, gender doesn't matter in love and shouldn't. If I fell in love with a girl, I'd be just as happy as with a man.

Well, I'm asexual and I realized in late high school or so when I noticed that everyone else in my little group of friends was attracted to someone... except me. I never cared about being physically or even emotionally linked with someone. I did think girls were generally prettier, but they never 'turned me on', so to speak. I'm probably one of the oddest people since I actually enjoy being on my own more than with someone. I'm not anti-social or anything. I do enjoy talking with my friends and hanging out on occasion, but I've never been attracted to any of them.

I identify as pansexual, and I have since I was about 16. I don't really know how I know, to be honest. It is just one of those feelings I get. I can very easily be attracted to men or women, or transmen or transwomen. I don't quite care, I suppose.

Hello, I'm brand new here, first post other than my intro post. About me and "knowing":

I rather recently and suddenly came out as gay, broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and moved out of the home I had shared with him for a year. I've known I was Bi for a long time but I never had a girlfriend. Out of nowhere one day I was talking to a friend about wet dreams and such and was all the sudden sure I was a lesbian. Since then I've become very uncertain.

I feel like a 13 year old boy, freaking out over NEEDING a girl. With guys I never miss a mark, I can ALWAYS tell if one would be interested in me therefore there's never been a risk for me before.... but I just don't understand girls.

Things that go through my head: "She's straight. She's probably taken, she's too pretty to be single unless she wants to be. If I ever express my interest in her she'll be creeped out, she'll think I only want her sexually and wont want to remain friends...."


I've been lonely. I've been sleeping with a couple guys repeatedly. The sex is great and the guys are great but I don't feel like being in a relationship with any of them at all...

I've had to be rather secretive about all that, as I'm sure it would hurt my ex's feelings if he found out I was sleeping with guys... and I could really use some one to talk to.

Also, nice to meet you all *handshakes*

Nyahhh wrote:Hello, I'm brand new here, first post other than my intro post. About me and "knowing":

I rather recently and suddenly came out as gay, broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and moved out of the home I had shared with him for a year. I've known I was Bi for a long time but I never had a girlfriend. Out of nowhere one day I was talking to a friend about wet dreams and such and was all the sudden sure I was a lesbian. Since then I've become very uncertain.

I feel like a 13 year old boy, freaking out over NEEDING a girl. With guys I never miss a mark, I can ALWAYS tell if one would be interested in me therefore there's never been a risk for me before.... but I just don't understand girls.

Things that go through my head: "She's straight. She's probably taken, she's too pretty to be single unless she wants to be. If I ever express my interest in her she'll be creeped out, she'll think I only want her sexually and wont want to remain friends...."


I've been lonely. I've been sleeping with a couple guys repeatedly. The sex is great and the guys are great but I don't feel like being in a relationship with any of them at all...

I've had to be rather secretive about all that, as I'm sure it would hurt my ex's feelings if he found out I was sleeping with guys... and I could really use some one to talk to.

Also, nice to meet you all *handshakes*

I've only been on these forums for a little while, but these people are really nice. I can tell. So I'm sure if you need people to talk to, they'll be willing to listen and do their best to help, and so will I (:

Welcome!

Hey Emeryth, thanks

Pretty quiet bunch here eh? Maybe I shall start a forum game or two.

I think I was about 15 when I realised I was bi (or pansexual, whatever floats your boat)... I started realising that I experienced arousal more towards women than towards men. In spite of this I've only ever had one serious relationship, and that was with a guy. It's not to say I've avoided relationships with females, I've just never found one I loved. I guess I'm a bit in love with one of my best friends, and I know she is at least attracted to me, but neither one of us wants to ruin the friendship.