Where do you draw the line?

Hi, everyone.

I've dated one boy, and it was for over a year. I was very fond of him, and while I liked him a lot, I never felt any sexual arousal from him. I never really liked kissing him or having sex, and I often found myself thinking of other things during any sexual activity.

I have been single for quite some time, and I think I am developing a crush....on a girl. She is very sweet and kind, and seems like everything I want. I am even attracted to her physically. I can see myself being very happy kissing her, among other things. And I enjoy the idea.


So...where do you draw the line between being bisexual and being a lesbian?

Does my inability to find men sexually attractive make me a lesbian? And if so, then how is it that I can find ways to develop feelings for them, and still not be sexually attracted?

I've never told anyone about my liking of girls, and never ever about my not finding men attractive.

...I'd really like some advice :\ I've never admitted this to myself, until just now.

First off, you need to ponder two things. Are you unattracted to all guys sexually, or just the one? And on the flipside, are you attracted to girls in general sexually, or just the one girl? This won't prove anything one way or the other, but it does help make sure you're not basing any decisions off one bad experience with a guy/one good experience with a girl.

It IS possible to have feelings for men but not find them physically attractive. Love and sex are two different things. And an inability to find men attractive does not mean you automatically find women attractive. Some people like neither. And that's okay, too. It's not a matter of "I dislike a, so I must like b."

In the end, there's really no line that can be drawn as far as sexuality. It's not a club, there's no membership guidelines. Just like who you like. Don't force yourself to like someone, but don't pass up chances, either. If you like the girl, go for it.

There's more than one kind of attraction, and words like "lesbian" and "bisexual" mean something different to everyone. Perhaps you're romantically attracted to both, and just physically attracted to girls? Technically, this would make you biromantic and homosexual. How you identify is up to you.

I've never really found any guys sexually attractive. I can notice and acknowledge when a guy is very good looking, and I can appreciate it. And likewise for females, with the added sexual attraction. I suppose I've never paid too much attention to if I found other females sexually attractive, but I do know I've gone out of my way to impress a girl more than I have a guy.

I feel like I am very pressured to figure myself out right now, and that if I don't, something must be wrong with me. I know this is very false, but it seems like most people have themselves all figured out, and I am one of the stragglers left behind.

I guess it will just take time to figure things out. Thankfully, I have a lot of that.

Inkeara wrote:I know this is very false, but it seems like most people have themselves all figured out, and I am one of the stragglers left behind.

I think I can speak for many people here when I say "... wut?"

So, from the perspective of a college instructor... I have students that range in age from about 17 to 50. The average is probably about 22. The majority of them have massive swathes of their lives that just aren't figured out - in numbers that don't seem to diminish as they age - and I hear all about it frequently. (You'd be surprised how often people go to teachers with their various issues.)

I even hear this bit in the quotes a lot; it's not that everyone else is "figured out." It's that everyone else is too embarrassed to admit that they have problems in public forums, and social expectations tell people to dismiss questioning with "I'm fine!" with the only people one is 'allowed' to open up to being romantic partners and people described in the "always lawful good" trope. Yay for our culture.


Beyond that, I'd echo everything Megan said. Our language tries to slap a handful of words on human sexuality as if they were wholly representative when it's not so simple. Note the actual emotions, not the words we use to describe them.

My advice: Forget the "line"! Doesnt matter if you are labeled Bi or not. Just do what makes you happy =] what gives you butterflies and causes you to spin around in happiness.

If you like her go for it! If you like a 'him' then go for it! =] fuck the line and being politically correct! And do what makes you feel 'right'.

I'm struggling with this one, too. I'm attracted to women, and in general, I like women better than I like men. I used to happily identify as lesbian, but in the past couple of weeks, there's been this one boy and it's been driving me absolutely crazy. I still like girls. I still like reading girl/girl romance in general a lot better than reading girl/boy romance in general. Most of my ideas for my own writing still involve girl/girl romance. When I think of the perfect partner for me, this person is still a girl.

BUT. There's still this one boy.

The worst part about it is, he's attracted to me, too, and I can't tell him about it because I've already come out to him and everybody else, and I don't want to prove everybody right who just thought I needed to meet the right 'him' instead of looking for a 'her'.

I really hope I'm just lonely and wanting an escape from being single instead of, you know, actually being attracted to him. I don't want to like a boy, and I especially don't want to like boys in general. I don't want to be a bisexual. They get so much shit.

*hopes fervently that the boy is not reading this*

Mrs. Abject wrote:The worst part about it is, he's attracted to me, too, and I can't tell him about it because I've already come out to him and everybody else, and I don't want to prove everybody right who just thought I needed to meet the right 'him' instead of looking for a 'her'.

I've heard this from a lot of people, actually. "I like this person, but I don't want to prove everybody right by being with them."

Man, fuck everybody else. If you like someone, go for it! There'll still be enough lesbians in the world.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I guess all I can really do is see where things go with this girl, right?


@Mrs. Abject, I completely see what you mean. Whenever I think of that perfect someone, I imagine a girl. And I'm more comfortable reading girl/girl romance than girl/boy.

I think in the end I just want to be loved in 'that way'.

Megan Rose wrote:

Mrs. Abject wrote:The worst part about it is, he's attracted to me, too, and I can't tell him about it because I've already come out to him and everybody else, and I don't want to prove everybody right who just thought I needed to meet the right 'him' instead of looking for a 'her'.

I've heard this from a lot of people, actually. "I like this person, but I don't want to prove everybody right by being with them."

Man, fuck everybody else. If you like someone, go for it! There'll still be enough lesbians in the world.

To Quote Random Guy in Clerks 2, "Fuckin' A!"

I don't believe in trying to make the majority happy. I was never the one who wanted to be in with the "cool kids". I chose to be friends with people that were openly gay, because I give a shit what others would say in my face or behind it.


@Inkeara: Have fun and hope for the best, but if things go wrong, it wasn't meant to be, but... You tried and there's always someone else waiting for you. Look, it's better be loved or to love, than it is to never love. There is no real/right way of love. Love is love. If you feel it, then it is right. Okay, I need to stop drink and stop quote random people to make me look smart.

I think this (safe for work!) DAR comic sums up my views on "drawing a line": http://www.darcomic.org/2008/11/11/titles/

Honestly, labels are labels are labels. Yes, words like "gay," "lesbian," "bisexual," etc. can be useful when describing ourselves, but they aren't the end all, be all. I self-identify as bisexual/pansexual, but those words aren't...."the whole picture" if you will. The "whole picture" goes a little something like this: "I'm sexually attracted to people (men, women, trans, intersex, genderqueer, and anything in between), but generally do not have as good of an emotional connection with those who identify as men, especially cisgendered, heterosexual men. Despite not 'picturing' myself dating men, I don't rule out the possibility and identifying as lesbian (other than joking that I'm a 'functional lesbian') also sounds to others that I rule out trans, intersex, genderqueer, etc. when I don't. And while pansexual best fits how I feel, I also realize that most people do not know and/or understand the term, so I either say 'bisexual' or 'bisexual/pansexual' so I don't confuse people."

See what I mean? Labels shorten things down to just one word when, realistically, they aren't that simplistic.

@Mrs. Abject: Yeah, bisexuals do get the short end of the stick some times and we get shit, even from people we assume are "on our side," but honestly, ignore it? Not in a "oh, it doesn't exist" type of way, but more of a "it exists, but those people can go fuck themselves silly for all I care" kind of way. You like this boy and I know that if you tell him that, you start dating him, etc...things will not be easy. But telling him, dating him, etc...those things might just make you the happiest you've ever been. Don't let stupid assholes get in the way of being with someone who just might be your soulmate.